


Sixty and Nine

by nerdzeword



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Smut, Fluff, Ice Cream Dates, M/M, classic romance, i'm ace tho, it's still very mild, smut?, so like, the spiciest content you will ever see me write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:48:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29930223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdzeword/pseuds/nerdzeword
Summary: Harry and Theo enjoy a nice afternoon without their children. ;)
Relationships: Theodore Nott/Harry Potter
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	Sixty and Nine

**Author's Note:**

> This is my 69th fanfic, and I decided I needed to write something special for the occasion. Much thanks to @justadreamfox for the beta, and for letting me borrow her [AFTG Harry Potter au](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1914961) for this.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to- Theo! Stop moving!” Harry babbled as he helped Theo staunch the blood that was streaming from his nose. 

Theo himself could not stop laughing. “I’m sorry Harry- It’s just-,” he gasped out between giggles. “How in Merlin’s name did you break my nose before either of us even managed to get out of our pants?”

“I don’t know!” Harry wailed. The only bright side to this situation was the fact that they were both very proficient in basic healing charms, so they would not have to explain to anyone else that Harry had broken Theo’s nose because his husband had been determined that they attempt the infamous 69 position. At least, they would be able to use a healing charm, if Theo ever stopped laughing long enough for Harry to properly set it. “Theo!”

“I just- You  _ do _ realize how funny this is, don’t you Harry?”

“Yes! But-  _ Theo!”  _ Harry shoved his husband’s shoulder lightly and stifled his own laughter. “Come  _ on. _ The sooner I fix you up, the sooner we can go eat ice cream and read about other people’s sex horror stories on the internet.”

“The internet!” Theo was still delighted by the internet, despite the fact that they had owned a computer for two years, and had just bought a new laptop the summer before. Harry rolled his eyes and shot a quick spell at Theo’s nose now that he had stopped moving. The nose snapped back into place with a small crack. 

“Ow! What the hell, Harry. A little warning maybe?” Theo complained, rubbing his now unbroken nose. 

Harry rolled his eyes again. “Come on you big baby. I’ll get the ice cream if you want to try to find a story. I’m sure there’s something out there.” Theo grinned at him in return and followed him into the kitchen, where Harry had left the laptop earlier that day. Theo grabbed it and curled up on the couch, where he presumably pulled Google up, as he started furiously clicking away. Harry returned to pulling out the ice cream. 

“Oh Merlin. Oh my Gods. Harry I’ve found one!” If he was being completely honest, Harry hadn’t been all that convinced that Theo would be able to figure out how to find one, and especially not as fast as he had. Harry handed him the bowl of ice cream and settled into the couch across from him. 

“Alright. Let’s hear it then. Dramatic readings only, you know the rules.” Theo gave him a cheshire grin that predicted Harry was either going to die from secondhand embarrassment, or from laughing. 

“Ahem. Most of this is actual trash and I would like to carve my eyes out with a spoon, but here goes. Harry Potter and the Fortune of Mystery, by xxxharrysqueenxxx-”

“Oh no.” Harry’s spoon dropped into his bowl with a clatter. “Theo no, what?”

“Oh just wait. Ahem.  _ Dreams come in many forms. Some good, some bad, some very realistic, even ones that feel very real.” _

“Oh Merlin.” Harry felt like he was listening to a train wreck in slow motion. Theo was skipping parts, as they usually did, reading only the most interesting sections of the story aloud. Though usually, the stories they found were not badly written self insert fanfiction of himself. 

“ _ And with one look at his face my heart sank into my chest. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid my eyes upon. At that very moment I fell in love.”  _ Theo continued to ignore Harry’s protests as he read aloud.

“How the hell did you even find this?” Harry demanded.

“Hermione sent it to me the other day, but I hadn’t read it until now. Oh! _ His eyes were like looking down into deep blue pools of water. His lips firm. His fingers long and sexy. Beautiful black hair that parted in the middle. And his body was so tight and muscular that it took my breath away. When our eyes met, I blushed and swiftly looked away.  _ Oh man, Harry how did this person get video footage of our first meeting?”

“Theo!” Harry kicked him, careful not to upend his ice cream or the laptop. “I don’t even have blue eyes, has this person even  _ seen _ me?”

_ “ _ Obviously not.  _ I remembered that I had wanted to marry one day. And He would be a good choice since he was my age, strong, smart, and handsome and would help make strong beautiful children.”  _ Theo grinned gleefully. _ “ _ What do you think, Harry, would you make strong, beautiful children?”

“I dunno Theo, you’ll have to ask our children,” Harry responded dryly.

_ “ _ Oh shit! This story gets  _ spicy!  _ Harry why did you not tell me you have a lace collar?”

_ “ _ A what now?”

_ “When he kissed it a giggle passed my lips. Then he looked up and we looked into each other's eyes as I reached up to his chest and placed my hands on the lace that held the collar together of his white under shirt. His body started quivering as my hands worked across his chest while I removed his white undergarments. Then I yanked it off, exposing his beautiful heavenly naked body. A body of pure heaven.” _

_ “ _ What the fuck? Dear Merlin, I hope it’s not one of my students writing this shit.” 

Theo snorted. “Oh Harry, we’ve all written a little bad fanfiction about you, this isn’t that special. Oh wait, maybe it is, listen to this: _ I began feeling jolts of pure hot passion surging through my lower organs , through my bones as I felt myself starting to climax. My back arced again and I grunted in cat like sounds as he begun to thrust his fingers deeper, upping the movement.” _

Theo could barely make it through the passage before he dissolved into hiccupping laughter. “Oh my god, Harry, all I can imagine is those dumb cat sounds that Andrew’s cat makes, like, fuck.” Theo continued to cackle as Harry shook his head at him.

“Oh fuck there’s more, hang on. _ Then I bucked my head back and cat like sounds escaped past my lips as he pressed his hot body down against mine. As I ran my nails down his sweaty back and I felt our hearts starting to beat faster as our bodies became hungry for each other -  _ You know what, actually that’s disgusting.” 

“What, your body doesn’t hunger for mine?” Harry said dryly. 

“Merlin, that sounds so weird though, did they have to write it like that?”

“Mmm, nothing screams romance like a little vore.”

_ “ _ Hm,” Theo hummed as he searched the fic. “Oh if you like that, you’ll love this.  _ He lowered his head down by my neck and I could feel his hot breath against my cheek. I felt his lips move to my neck as he started to passionately kiss me there. As he nibbled on my neck I let out soft moans.” _

“Where the hell did Hermione find this?” Harry said, dropping his spoon again. 

Theo just shrugged and continued scanning the page.  _ “ _ Merlin, how does this person make something so simple sound so goddamn weird?  _ As we made hot love I felt his heart beating in unison with mine, felt the heat of his body against my body.”  _

Harry shrugged again. “At least that one wasn’t as terrible. You know, it’s really hard to think of this person as writing about me though. Like, this is certainly a story about a dude.”

“Hm. Oh how did this person read my thoughts, it’s a little terrifying really. _ His eyes seemed to flicker with passion as he held me in his arms. He knew how to make me feel good. His words soft and gentle. He was the perfect man.” _

Harry snorted again. “I’ll have to remind you that I’m the perfect man next time you complain about how my trousers don’t match my socks or something.”

“You can be perfect, and also terrible at fashion, dear,” Theo told him primly before turning back to the laptop.  _ "‘I came to see if you need any help bathing, he asked. As I looked into his eyes, I took my hand and slowly ran it from the top of my shoulder and down over my breasts. ‘I could use my back washed,' I said seductively.  _ Damn, you never offer to wash my back Harry.”

“That’s because if we take a shower together, the hot water is all gone by the time we actually get to getting clean, and you’re a baby who likes his water the same temperature as the surface of the sun,” Harry responded. He put his empty ice cream bowl on the end table and crawled closer to Theo, who turned to sit on the couch properly so he could fit better. Harry leaned on his shoulder and looked at the page. 

“Holy fuck, what is this shit?” Harry wondered aloud. “ _ Painting _ -what? Oh, no that does say painting. Damn. _ Painting from the intense experience I got up and looked into his eyes, and knew what he wanted. Slowly I removed his clothes and opened myself to him. I let him take control. Allowed him to fulfill himself. Long Into the night there was nothing but hot passion.  _ This is actually a little disturbing. I am disturbed, _ ”  _ he declared, and buried his face in Theo’s shoulder, where he didn’t have to read any more of the horrible story.

“Oh, Harry, this is me, every time you leave,” Theo cackled. “ _ When he came home, he delivered the bad news. He told me that he was going to have to leave in the morning. As I looked into his eyes tears begun to stream down my face. I did not know how I was going to cope with the separation. I went into his arms and cried into his chest.”  _

“Alright, that’s quite enough of that.” Harry slammed the laptop shut and buried his face back in Theo’s sleeve. Theo just cackled. 

“What do you think, Harry. Should I write fanfiction like this? I feel like I would be good at it. I already have  _ so  _ many things I could-,” Harry hit him with a throw pillow effectively cutting him off. 

“I hate you.”

“I have a wedding ring and two children who say otherwise,” Theo responded with satisfaction, stealing the pillow from him. Harry scowled at him, but didn’t protest when Theo put the computer and his empty ice cream bowl away and pulled Harry onto his lap.

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all this is the spiciest thing I have ever written, which is hilarious because there's not even a single kiss and the most explicit line in the story was added by my beta. lmao  
> Anyway, none of the italicized parts belong to me, they came from [ this](https://linksqueen.tripod.com/mil.html) terrible piece of fanfiction, which I do not recommend reading unless you are prepared for some really weird shit because that page has nothing tagged. I considered using My Immortal, but I would have felt compelled to fix the spelling and grammar, and that would have defeated the purpose.  
> \--Actual convo from the gc--  
> me: My next fic will be my 69th fic. I need to do something special  
> Zan: SEX? sam you don’t write sex  
> Me: No, but it would be very funny to write something people think is going to be sexy and have it be very much not


End file.
